I hope Summer has brought some warmth into your life and that these words meet you in a quiet place today where you can find a few moments in solitude, to step away and rest awhile from the busyness that Summer often brings.
Back in the Spring I knew I needed to start over and grow something new in my life and that was to keep striving to live a more loving, heart-centred life, to remember the simplicity of slow living and what matters most. My garden once again guided me on how to do this.
When I last wrote I spoke about growth and renewal and how I hoped that the little seeds I had planted would grow into beautiful Cosmos flowers in the Summertime. Well, they did…here they are, aren’t they wonderful? I’ve also managed to grow some sweet peas and sunflowers from seed so I’m feeling pretty proud of myself!
I’ve got to say however, it wasn’t all plain sailing! My back ached quite a bit with all the bending and digging and I lost a lot of seedlings and plants along the way. I nearly gave up at one point thinking I wasn’t good enough to be a gardener and I felt like ****! My old "not good enough" stories were beginning to rear their scary heads once more.
Intrigued? Then please read on for some more deep "doo doo"!
More often than not we believe that we heal and grow through all things “love and light” and I have been guilty of this belief in the past. However, the truth is that true growth - our true gold - can only be gained by digging deep into our own **** stories.
As Tommy Rosen eloquently puts it, “the manure of my past became fertilizer for my future”. He goes on to say this is the “true mantra of every successful person in recovery”.
As a person in recovery from an addiction to codependency, I have had to deal with lots of my own ****, and as a therapist I am often told by my clients that I make them feel like ****!!
I have come to realise however (and I think many of my clients have too thankfully) that when we allow ourselves to really feel all this messy stuff, that is when we begin to heal. It is only when we dig deep into our scary stories of the past, our shadows, our darkness, and become courageous enough to “go within” that we alchemize that **** into rich golden fertilizer which we can use to create strong foundations in which we can grow and flourish.
To “cook” that manure however means having to get uncomfortable! We have to face our messy middle which consists of painful wounds, shame, guilt, demons etc. It’s no easy ride but’ believe’ me it’s worth it in order to heal and to grow into a healthier, stronger person.
We also must face the reality that transmuting our **** into golden fertilizer isn’t just a once and done journey. It’s a seasonal thing. We will have good days, comfy days, messy days, **** days but they are all fertilizer for our futures. We also need to wake up to the fact that we are not separate from Mother Nature, but part of her, and she has some pretty messy seasons too, but all are essential to growth and evolution.
For me I’ve been choosing that messy “doo doo” road once more, diving deeper into my own ****, pushing further into my underworlds, safe this time in the knowledge that, hopefully, not only will this create more golden fertilizer for my own future but for my family, community, and humanity.
This work has involved me facing triggers surrounding addiction and racism. In the past I have “danced” around these issues avoiding the fears that rise up within me, making me feel uncomfortable, as I face even deeper truths. But as I ask my clients to do, I have to take accountability for my own ****. Instead of running away, this time I’ve sat with my mess and felt and smelt it all.
Books such as ‘Euphoric Recall’ by Aidan Martin and ‘Me and White Supremacy’ by Layla F Saad have been invaluable to me as tools to dig even deeper. As Layla says on pages 24/25 of her book, “there is no feel-good reward at the end other than the knowledge that you are doing this because it is the right thing to do”.
As we enter the last weeks of Summer, I invite you to use its remaining energy to test how rich your manure is! Do you need to dig even deeper into your own stories and the manure of your past?
For me it’s time to start slowing down after what was a busy summer period. It’s now also my intention to step away from social media for a wee bit so you might not hear from me as often. However, if you feel you do need support, please contact me at email@example.com or book a 121 session via the link on our website www.ichooseme.org.uk
My friend, I would normally leave you at this point surrounded in love and light but I realise that instead you might feel as if I’ve left you in a pile of smelly manure!! Never forget however that if you choose to dig deeper, I may actually be leading you towards your own fertilizer for the future, your Golden Garden Within – a bit like my own wee garden that is now positively blooming!
Much love till next time